Here we go!

I feel that I may have had an epiphany and thought I would document it for posterity. When I talk with my kids I often think, Gee, why wasn't I told this stuff when I was this age? ANSWER: I'm sure I was, kids retain very little apparently. So here it is in writing. =)

Apparently I am in a very bad cycle of bad self talk, failure, and no hope. Being a mother of 4 is no easy feat and it sure isn't all jellybeans and balloons. In fact it is more binge eating, starving, screaming, and no sleeping. The is not a spot in the house that is clean, no task is every "completed" even when it is done.

My dilema: All my life I've tried to be a good person. A people pleaser if you will. My parents and siblings may say differently, because it seems I really only tried to please other people, especially people I didn't know. Crazy right? I've been in my own reality tv show before reality tv ever aired. I've been overly conscious of everything I do in public. I'm pretty awesome in public. But at home, its another story, I'm depressed, exhausted, and mad most of the time. I can never find the perfection I can pull off in public, in my home where it really matters.

So as I sort out priorities, start new routines, and strive to move forward to a happier me, I will keep you posted.

Currently, I am going back to www.Flylady.net. My goal is to get the morning and evening routines down so that I can have some sort of order in my house. I really feel that when the house is a mess, life is a mess, my emotions are a mess, and the kids don't feel the need to respect anything including me. So here we go!!!